Don't Wait

I’ve spent most of my life waiting. I’m scared of the past, present and future. So I wait. I wait for the comfortable, the different, the better…the never. I know it’s good to think things over but the trouble is I already do that and they I just waste time recycling through the same thoughts over and over again.

Not only have I waited on the regular materialistic items, I’ve waited on experiences. I’ve waited on replying and I’ve waited on trying. In twenty minutes, in an hour, tomorrow, I tell myself and it never happens.

Thus, those dreams I desperately dream never happen.

I’m not comfortable anymore and I never was. I’m just scared and stuck.

I’m making a pack with myself to take more risks- to actually jump on opportunities because living like this is too bland and not much fun at all. 

Ridiculous Expectations

As a student who has just started my senior year of high school, I have definitely been bombarded with meeting and lectures about the upcoming school year. Expectations, expectations, each one of these lectures echo.  My pretentious college prep school just got a new principal, so obviously she had to give a speech to not only the whole school, but a specific one for the senior class. In a weird, ramble-y lecture, she cites random personal experiences as why she expects us to get a lot of sleep, function perfectly, and basically make her job super easy. Even though I know she is trying to be optimistic, she utilizes cheesy cliches to guilt trip students into staying at a school that could be a very detrimental and harmful environment for them. It’s frustrating because just by saying “I expect you to…” she can trash all of her responsibility as a principal. In the following lecture, the school did the same thing. The next someone needs help or fails, they could simply just place all the blame on the student. These people are being paid to run a school, but they aren’t invested in actually helping the students of the school. The only reason any of them have jobs is because of the students are willing to attend this school. It’s additionally even more frustrating that the administration expects so much of students, but doesn’t hold itself to the same regard, constantly letting down the students by cutting courses, teachers and funding, and refusing to help students deal with health problems, instead choosing to kick out the students.  I don’t really know how to fully express my frustrations, but it’s just very infuriating when a school promises things and constantly lets you down, but fully expects you to be accepting of their failures and still continue meeting their ridiculously high expectations.

Self Confidence Motivation

Since I’ll be able to vote in the next presidential election, I’ve been doing some research on the presidential candidates. It’s crazy how I have such low self-esteem while approximately twenty people have so much self confidence that they believe they can be the next president of the United States. If they’re going to sink millions into their presidential campaign, you better bet that they believe that they would make the best president of the United States for the next four years. I haven’t researched all the candidates yet but the ones I have all have had major screw-ups and yet they still believe that they have the best policies and ideas that this country needs.  We’re all just merely human but if they have that much confidence in themselves then I should be able to not let my failures define me and have some confidence in myself too.

Anxiety

School starts in two weeks and I’m sick to my stomach. I’m so anxious. The last two years went badly; what’s to say this year isn’t the same? I don’t want to constantly handle the pain, despair, stress and loneliness. I am freaking out.

I’ve always thought my anxiety was mainly social related but now I realize that I get anxiety over everything. Everything from things that could mean something to things that don’t even mean much at all fills me with fear.  Anxiety has been messing up my life in big ways and small ways. I’ve turned in many papers and important assignments weeks late which caused my GPA to suffer immensely. I’ve messed up friendships by taking too long to respond or by being too scared to be real with them. I remember I had a school sponsored overnight trip in Florida and it was going pretty well but one night, at 2 am, while everyone else was asleep, I was just having a panic attack by myself outside.

I know I need to take control. I just don’t know how.  A year ago, I tried medication, group therapy and individual therapy for my depression. They didn’t work. I put my all on the line and no one genuinely cared. It did more harm than good. I don’t want to go through that again. 

I have a theory that I don’t do enough different things with my life that’s why I get anxious because every little thing means that much more as compared to if I was a busy person and I did a lot of different things - I wouldn’t have time to be afraid of everything because I would be on to the next thing. Unfortunately, anxiety keeps me from doing things because I am super afraid and sick to my stomach. What a vicious cycle. 

California Dreams

When I was really young, I really wanted to be an actress because I was a lonely kid who really just wanted a group of friends so I thought acting would be a great way to achieve that. Thus, I totally thought Los Angeles was the land of dreams so when I went there, I was disappointed that it did not live up to my expectations.

Lately, I’ve been thinking of switching my college list to schools in California for unintentionally, most of my college list ended up being in Boston which is quite cold and I am not a fan of cold weather. (I’m the kind of person who wears jeans and a hoodie in the summer because I feel cold in short sleeves.)  Today, when I was scrolling through my Youtube and I realized that lots of people I follow (who are about high school age) want to move to California because they think that it will be a place where they can achieve their dreams.  It made me think of a video I watched a while ago that talked about how lots of homeless teens go to Los Angeles because they think they can achieve their dreams there but then they don’t and then they die.

I’m afraid that part of the reason I want to go to school in California may be because of the California dream. I’m not sure if that’s the case or not but if it is, I feel that I will probably end up disappointed and expecting more than I end up getting. There are so many factors that go into deciding the colleges I want to go to and ultimately my future for the next four years. College scares me and makes my head hurt.

30 Seconds to Mars- City of Angels

Even though I feel that the California dream is misleading and this song is about how awesome Los Angeles is, I feel that this song can be applied to any place and I really enjoy this song. So I’m just going to leave this song here in hopes that we can all find a place we love enough to call home and I hope all the people who move to California are really happy there.

Driving Kindness

Yesterday, I was in the car with my driving instructor trying to finish up my driving lessons.  The objective of that lesson was parking uphill and downhill so he had me drive to downtown where there were more uphills and downhills instead of just flat land. When I was parking uphill near the sidewalk, Mr. R, the driving instructor, saw what looked like someone or something near the turn on the sidewalk up ahead.  Mr. R asked me if it looked like a person and I said I didn’t know because to me it honestly just looked like a giant turtle. (It was a person; I just mistook the green backpack as a shell.) At first, Mr. R felt a bit concerned but then he felt even more so when some guy biked up near the sleeping guy and just loitered. Mr. R expressed his concerns that the biker was going to mug the sleeping person so I suggested we pull up next to them and check out what’s up. Mr. R had me drive up to them and roll down the windows and he started talking to the guy on the bike who explained that the sleeping guy was his friend who got punched last night and biker had was there to make sure his friend was okay. When Mr. R offered to call the police to get the guy help, biker even woke and dragged up his friend to show that his friend was in fact okay. Once reassured, Mr. R and I went on our way.

                Because of that incident, my respect for Mr. R shot through the roof. Not many people would go out of their way to be concerned with the well beings of strangers.  To be honest, if it was just me in the car, I wouldn’t have paid enough attention to realize that the “giant turtle” was in fact a sleeping man who could’ve gotten mugged. I live near Chicago and I used to go there a lot because I had an internship there. I would always see a lot of homeless people and everyone else would just avert their eyes and do their best to ignore the homeless people.  I really wanted to give them money but I didn’t have any. I can only imagine how hard it would be to be homeless and on top of that treated like shit by everyone else. I remember reading an article about homeless people and people commented really rude comments on how homeless people were lazy and didn’t try and how a lot of homeless people weren’t actually homeless and just wanted people to give them money. It broke my heart.

                My school is full of really smart and successful people, but when I think about it, I can’t imagine any of them being so caring to strangers. In fact, I feel that some of them definitely look down to people not as successful as them. That just shows that success isn’t a measure of kindness and some of the kindest people aren’t the most successful in the conventional sort of way.

                When we were driving back, we needed to get gas so Mr. R had me drive to the second gas pump instead of the first so we could leave the first for someone else who needed use it instead of blocking the pump. Even though Mr. R is picky about my driving, I still respect and admire him for being such a kind person!

Love Wins

I have a confession to make. I think fifty percent of the rainbow makeup on Instagram is irrevocably cheesy. And yet, that didn’t stop me from being full with joy when they started popping up on my Instagram feed on Friday morning with celebratory words stating that same sex marriage had been passed in all fifty states of the United States.

I don’t see marriage in my future so I didn’t think I would care too much because I knew marriage equality was going to get passed in all 50 states anyway. And yet, when I heard the good news, I’ve realized that I do care. I care a lot.

I care because people hate themselves for something they can’t control. I care because people are bullied abused by their friends and family. I care because people are killing themselves because of the unacceptance and hatred they are facing.

I care because people shouldn’t have to spend their whole lives living a lie.

I care because I remember being eleven years old and questioning my sexuality for the first time. I was still just a kid but I was so ashamed and so full of self-hatred. “Why can’t I just be normal?” I questioned myself over and over again. I prayed many times, begging to be straight.

I didn’t know anyone in the LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer/Questioning) community. I didn’t know anyone that was like me. I didn’t have anyone to look up to who showed me that just because they weren’t straight or they weren’t cisgender didn’t mean they weren’t awesome and successful.

In the past couple of years, so much progress has been made for LGBT rights. Even though there are still so many people against same sex marriage, it’s still crazy awesome to think that so many people support it. There’s so many more LGBT people in the media nowadays. In fact, two of my favorite bands (Years & Years and Pvris) have gay lead singers.

Though I was internally jumping off the walls about this Supreme Court decision, I was pulled back into reality when I hear my mother and father discussing it, saying how disgusting it is.

Because my parents have always been against LGBTQ people, even now, I still am quite uncomfortable of my sexuality.  My sexuality is entwined with internalized self-hatred, which is quite tiring.

I envision an accepting world where someone’s sexuality and gender will be accepted instead of hated. I envision a world with accepting parents, accepting friends and accepting communities.

There’s still so much more that’s needs to be done for the LGBTQ community (especially for transgender rights), but this accomplishment is too amazing not to celebrate.

I can’t help thinking about an Eminem quote in which talks about his view on the legalization of same sex marriage: “I think if two people love each other, then what the hell? I think think that everyone should have the chance to be equally miserable, if they want.”  Haha, the cynic in me laughs.