Anxiety

School starts in two weeks and I’m sick to my stomach. I’m so anxious. The last two years went badly; what’s to say this year isn’t the same? I don’t want to constantly handle the pain, despair, stress and loneliness. I am freaking out.

I’ve always thought my anxiety was mainly social related but now I realize that I get anxiety over everything. Everything from things that could mean something to things that don’t even mean much at all fills me with fear.  Anxiety has been messing up my life in big ways and small ways. I’ve turned in many papers and important assignments weeks late which caused my GPA to suffer immensely. I’ve messed up friendships by taking too long to respond or by being too scared to be real with them. I remember I had a school sponsored overnight trip in Florida and it was going pretty well but one night, at 2 am, while everyone else was asleep, I was just having a panic attack by myself outside.

I know I need to take control. I just don’t know how.  A year ago, I tried medication, group therapy and individual therapy for my depression. They didn’t work. I put my all on the line and no one genuinely cared. It did more harm than good. I don’t want to go through that again. 

I have a theory that I don’t do enough different things with my life that’s why I get anxious because every little thing means that much more as compared to if I was a busy person and I did a lot of different things - I wouldn’t have time to be afraid of everything because I would be on to the next thing. Unfortunately, anxiety keeps me from doing things because I am super afraid and sick to my stomach. What a vicious cycle.