On a day that is both really good and really bad

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot of how my depression, anxiety and anger issues affect me. While I feel like other people could just get treated for their depression, anxiety, etc., my issues are a large part of what make me, me. My mental illnesses have held me back from so many things.  My anxiety causes me to overanalyze, overthink and basically fear everything. Additionally, I have really bad social anxiety so I have a really hard time connecting, interacting and maintaining relationships with people thus I often come off as aloof or standoffish. I actually really like social interaction; it’s just really hard for me.  Depression is also terrible and debilitating and makes it hard for me to actually be interested in anything and as a result, I’m angry, lonely and broken.

My friend recently got diagnosed with depression. I’m happy for her so now she can work on getting better. I see her as so much more than that. She is an amazing friend; she is smart, resourceful, friendly and a talented videographer and photographer.  But I don’t feel like I am more than my problems; I feel like I am my problems. When I tried for months to get help through therapy and medication, it didn’t work at all and in fact made things worse. It’s been so many years. I’ve put in so much effort and a big part of me feels like I’m always going to be walking around in a terrible haze and it’s absolutely horrible to think about.

I guess from the outside, mental illness is not that noticeable but from the inside it literally affects everything I do from my thinking process, to my actions, to how I present myself as a person.  Whenever someone kills themselves, people always talk about how amazing and nice and how well liked they were, but the whole time, from the inside, they feel like they’re dying. And I definitely understand that.

I haven’t had a good day in a long time but today, I had one. I hung out with friends but more importantly I didn’t overthink and I did have to fake emotions like I almost always do. I felt good. I felt clear. I wanted to interact with strangers. I was talkative and excited. I didn’t have anxiety when talked to someone I have been meaning to know better for a while. We actually had a good conversation instead of my brain freaking out and analyzing every little thing. I actually felt like a functioning human being today. I felt so much more than all of these problems.

I want it to be a good day every day. I’m sick of being unable to untangle myself from the problems that define me.

Unfortunately, my brain is cooperative and I don’t trust it. I don’t trust myself.  The good days are few and far between and there is nothing I can do to make the bad ones go away. I would be fine with a normal amount of bad days but all these bad days are too much and I can’t take it. 

I feel like other people are on the road of epic adventures and I’m just held down by my problems.

I don’t have an answer to fix this and I hate it.

Anxiety

School starts in two weeks and I’m sick to my stomach. I’m so anxious. The last two years went badly; what’s to say this year isn’t the same? I don’t want to constantly handle the pain, despair, stress and loneliness. I am freaking out.

I’ve always thought my anxiety was mainly social related but now I realize that I get anxiety over everything. Everything from things that could mean something to things that don’t even mean much at all fills me with fear.  Anxiety has been messing up my life in big ways and small ways. I’ve turned in many papers and important assignments weeks late which caused my GPA to suffer immensely. I’ve messed up friendships by taking too long to respond or by being too scared to be real with them. I remember I had a school sponsored overnight trip in Florida and it was going pretty well but one night, at 2 am, while everyone else was asleep, I was just having a panic attack by myself outside.

I know I need to take control. I just don’t know how.  A year ago, I tried medication, group therapy and individual therapy for my depression. They didn’t work. I put my all on the line and no one genuinely cared. It did more harm than good. I don’t want to go through that again. 

I have a theory that I don’t do enough different things with my life that’s why I get anxious because every little thing means that much more as compared to if I was a busy person and I did a lot of different things - I wouldn’t have time to be afraid of everything because I would be on to the next thing. Unfortunately, anxiety keeps me from doing things because I am super afraid and sick to my stomach. What a vicious cycle.