I should have known that I
will never be able to run away from the truth.
It hasn’t gotten better. No
matter how I look at it, I’ve been fucking depressed this whole entire time. I’ve
just been constantly avoiding the truth through being on the internet all the
time and engaging in extreme consumerism and obsession over the works (movies,
music, ideas) of other people.
I’m a thief; I can’t produce anything creative or
inspirational at all so I steal it from other people. I’m always screenshotting
looks people did on Instagram because I can’t create anything original myself.
It was a major blow to my self-confidence when I, someone who always thought
that they were a creative, out of the box thinker, couldn’t write a single page
comic for a graphic novels assignment. I had get my roommate to create a comic
for me. All I did was convert it into a final draft. I should have known that
this incidence was a reflection of the truth. I can’t advance in anything. My
brain won’t work; I can’t produce anything good or original for myself. It’s
devastating.
I’m fucking depressed and I’m unable to get better because I’m
stuck in such a horrible cycle. My depression, anxiety, adhd, lack of
inspiration or personality, lack of self worth, lack of motivation and energy
and lack of friends and opportunities all exacerbate each other. Whenever I try
to improve on one, all the other factors just pull me back down.
I hate this cycle but I’m too tired to do anything about
it.
I’ve tried so many times with no avail; I’ve given up.
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