The Truth

I should have known that I will never be able to run away from the truth.                 

It hasn’t gotten better. No matter how I look at it, I’ve been fucking depressed this whole entire time. I’ve just been constantly avoiding the truth through being on the internet all the time and engaging in extreme consumerism and obsession over the works (movies, music, ideas) of other people.

I’m a thief; I can’t produce anything creative or inspirational at all so I steal it from other people. I’m always screenshotting looks people did on Instagram because I can’t create anything original myself. It was a major blow to my self-confidence when I, someone who always thought that they were a creative, out of the box thinker, couldn’t write a single page comic for a graphic novels assignment. I had get my roommate to create a comic for me. All I did was convert it into a final draft. I should have known that this incidence was a reflection of the truth. I can’t advance in anything. My brain won’t work; I can’t produce anything good or original for myself. It’s devastating.

I’m fucking depressed and I’m unable to get better because I’m stuck in such a horrible cycle. My depression, anxiety, adhd, lack of inspiration or personality, lack of self worth, lack of motivation and energy and lack of friends and opportunities all exacerbate each other. Whenever I try to improve on one, all the other factors just pull me back down.

I hate this cycle but I’m too tired to do anything about it.

I’ve tried so many times with no avail; I’ve given up. 

A Comprehensive How to: Pulling an All-Nighter

A Comprehensive How to: Pulling an All-Nighter

  We all have those nights where no matter how hard we try we cannot finish the brutal amount of work put in front of us. Or we just procrastinated too much. (Which is basically me every night.) Either way, here is a comprehensive guide on pulling an all-nighter.

  The first thing to know is: don’t pull all-nighters unless you absolutely have to! Who cares if it’s 2 am and you haven’t started a thing yet. Start your work immediately so you can sleep instead of procrastinating on your homework another two hours. If you have many breaks the next day, consider doing your homework the next day instead of not sleeping to do work. All-nighters are detrimental to your memory, concentration, focus/attention span and immune system.

  If you absolutely need to pull an all-nighter, here is how.

Gather Everything You Need:

• If you live in place internet shut off (aka my school), open up all the websites you need on your computer. Either that or get an internet hotspot.
• Surround yourself with your textbooks and notes that you need.
• Get drinks and snacks. Drinks will keep you hydrated throughout the long night ahead, making it much easier for you to stay awake. Snacks will fight off those midnight munchies but most importantly it will give you energy to fight through your mounds of homework.  Make sure your snacks aren’t just candy or junk food. Good nightly snack foods include apples and sandwiches. A big bowl of salad is also quite appetizing.  
• Caffeine. If you decide to have caffeine, make sure to drink more water than soda or coffee so you can stay hydrated. Also, make sure you intake caffeine constantly so you don’t crash. (Unfortunately, caffeine doesn’t work in giving me energy; I highly recommend Rockstar in Coconut and Peace Tea in Georgia Peach though. They’re delicious.)
• Set many alarms. You might not make it through the all-nighter and you don’t want to wake up realizing you overslept most of your classes. If you’re desperate, have someone call you in the morning to make sure you’re awake.
• Plan your outfit for the next day if you’re one of those people who plan out their outfits daily. If you just throw on whatever, skip this step. Remember, just because you pulled an all-nighter, doesn’t mean you have to look like you did. What I do is that I just change into the outfit I’m going to go to school in and pull an all-nighter while wearing it.   

How to Stay Awake:

• Eat food and drink water constantly.
  
• Stand up and walk around every hour. 
• Pinch or poke yourself. This sounds uncomfortable and that’s exactly the point. Getting too comfortable means falling asleep and you wouldn’t want that!
• Sitting down is better than lying down. If you sit down and do your homework you’ll probably be more productive than lying on your stomach and doing your homework. Also, if you lie down on your stomach while doing your homework you’ll probably fall asleep. A good idea is to pile items like your dirty laundry or books on your bed so you won’t be tempted to climb into bed.
• Keep your lights bright to keep yourself awake.

Being Efficient:

• Plan your night. Write down a list of what you have to do, in what order you should do it in and how long each thing will take you. This way, you will know how to start and complete your work.
• Just start your homework. Force yourself not to procrastinate.
• If all you are doing is wasting time on the internet,disconnect so you would have to focus on your work.
• Don’t decide to take a short nap and then finish your homework afterwards. You’ll probably end up sleeping through the night. Only sleep once you have finished everything.
• If you know you work better in the morning, you should just go to bed early  

The Next Day:

• Wash your face with cold water.
• Put in eye drops so you won’t look like a zombie. According to Urban Dictionary, Rohto eye drops are “God’s true gift to stoners.”
• Eat breakfast.
• Bring water and snacks so you’ll have energy throughout the day and not fall asleep.

Pulling two all-nighters in a row is not advised. It would probably result in Zombieitis. 

On a day that is both really good and really bad

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot of how my depression, anxiety and anger issues affect me. While I feel like other people could just get treated for their depression, anxiety, etc., my issues are a large part of what make me, me. My mental illnesses have held me back from so many things.  My anxiety causes me to overanalyze, overthink and basically fear everything. Additionally, I have really bad social anxiety so I have a really hard time connecting, interacting and maintaining relationships with people thus I often come off as aloof or standoffish. I actually really like social interaction; it’s just really hard for me.  Depression is also terrible and debilitating and makes it hard for me to actually be interested in anything and as a result, I’m angry, lonely and broken.

My friend recently got diagnosed with depression. I’m happy for her so now she can work on getting better. I see her as so much more than that. She is an amazing friend; she is smart, resourceful, friendly and a talented videographer and photographer.  But I don’t feel like I am more than my problems; I feel like I am my problems. When I tried for months to get help through therapy and medication, it didn’t work at all and in fact made things worse. It’s been so many years. I’ve put in so much effort and a big part of me feels like I’m always going to be walking around in a terrible haze and it’s absolutely horrible to think about.

I guess from the outside, mental illness is not that noticeable but from the inside it literally affects everything I do from my thinking process, to my actions, to how I present myself as a person.  Whenever someone kills themselves, people always talk about how amazing and nice and how well liked they were, but the whole time, from the inside, they feel like they’re dying. And I definitely understand that.

I haven’t had a good day in a long time but today, I had one. I hung out with friends but more importantly I didn’t overthink and I did have to fake emotions like I almost always do. I felt good. I felt clear. I wanted to interact with strangers. I was talkative and excited. I didn’t have anxiety when talked to someone I have been meaning to know better for a while. We actually had a good conversation instead of my brain freaking out and analyzing every little thing. I actually felt like a functioning human being today. I felt so much more than all of these problems.

I want it to be a good day every day. I’m sick of being unable to untangle myself from the problems that define me.

Unfortunately, my brain is cooperative and I don’t trust it. I don’t trust myself.  The good days are few and far between and there is nothing I can do to make the bad ones go away. I would be fine with a normal amount of bad days but all these bad days are too much and I can’t take it. 

I feel like other people are on the road of epic adventures and I’m just held down by my problems.

I don’t have an answer to fix this and I hate it.

Don't Wait

I’ve spent most of my life waiting. I’m scared of the past, present and future. So I wait. I wait for the comfortable, the different, the better…the never. I know it’s good to think things over but the trouble is I already do that and they I just waste time recycling through the same thoughts over and over again.

Not only have I waited on the regular materialistic items, I’ve waited on experiences. I’ve waited on replying and I’ve waited on trying. In twenty minutes, in an hour, tomorrow, I tell myself and it never happens.

Thus, those dreams I desperately dream never happen.

I’m not comfortable anymore and I never was. I’m just scared and stuck.

I’m making a pack with myself to take more risks- to actually jump on opportunities because living like this is too bland and not much fun at all. 

Ridiculous Expectations

As a student who has just started my senior year of high school, I have definitely been bombarded with meeting and lectures about the upcoming school year. Expectations, expectations, each one of these lectures echo.  My pretentious college prep school just got a new principal, so obviously she had to give a speech to not only the whole school, but a specific one for the senior class. In a weird, ramble-y lecture, she cites random personal experiences as why she expects us to get a lot of sleep, function perfectly, and basically make her job super easy. Even though I know she is trying to be optimistic, she utilizes cheesy cliches to guilt trip students into staying at a school that could be a very detrimental and harmful environment for them. It’s frustrating because just by saying “I expect you to…” she can trash all of her responsibility as a principal. In the following lecture, the school did the same thing. The next someone needs help or fails, they could simply just place all the blame on the student. These people are being paid to run a school, but they aren’t invested in actually helping the students of the school. The only reason any of them have jobs is because of the students are willing to attend this school. It’s additionally even more frustrating that the administration expects so much of students, but doesn’t hold itself to the same regard, constantly letting down the students by cutting courses, teachers and funding, and refusing to help students deal with health problems, instead choosing to kick out the students.  I don’t really know how to fully express my frustrations, but it’s just very infuriating when a school promises things and constantly lets you down, but fully expects you to be accepting of their failures and still continue meeting their ridiculously high expectations.

Self Confidence Motivation

Since I’ll be able to vote in the next presidential election, I’ve been doing some research on the presidential candidates. It’s crazy how I have such low self-esteem while approximately twenty people have so much self confidence that they believe they can be the next president of the United States. If they’re going to sink millions into their presidential campaign, you better bet that they believe that they would make the best president of the United States for the next four years. I haven’t researched all the candidates yet but the ones I have all have had major screw-ups and yet they still believe that they have the best policies and ideas that this country needs.  We’re all just merely human but if they have that much confidence in themselves then I should be able to not let my failures define me and have some confidence in myself too.

Anxiety

School starts in two weeks and I’m sick to my stomach. I’m so anxious. The last two years went badly; what’s to say this year isn’t the same? I don’t want to constantly handle the pain, despair, stress and loneliness. I am freaking out.

I’ve always thought my anxiety was mainly social related but now I realize that I get anxiety over everything. Everything from things that could mean something to things that don’t even mean much at all fills me with fear.  Anxiety has been messing up my life in big ways and small ways. I’ve turned in many papers and important assignments weeks late which caused my GPA to suffer immensely. I’ve messed up friendships by taking too long to respond or by being too scared to be real with them. I remember I had a school sponsored overnight trip in Florida and it was going pretty well but one night, at 2 am, while everyone else was asleep, I was just having a panic attack by myself outside.

I know I need to take control. I just don’t know how.  A year ago, I tried medication, group therapy and individual therapy for my depression. They didn’t work. I put my all on the line and no one genuinely cared. It did more harm than good. I don’t want to go through that again. 

I have a theory that I don’t do enough different things with my life that’s why I get anxious because every little thing means that much more as compared to if I was a busy person and I did a lot of different things - I wouldn’t have time to be afraid of everything because I would be on to the next thing. Unfortunately, anxiety keeps me from doing things because I am super afraid and sick to my stomach. What a vicious cycle.